2022-08-20

edit: this one is really fucking long and gets sad im sorry lmao the next one might be different

I CANT TELL IF ITS THE IBUPROFEN THE PAIN OR THE SLEEP DEPRIVATION BUT I AM ALIVE AND I FEEL THE NEED TO YELL ABOUT IT

ahem i seem to have gotten it out of my system now, sorry about that. i didn't do a blog post (is that what these are now? idk i guess it's a good enough word but it feels more like screaming into the void or writing in a diary) last week because school being back in session was much more intense than i expected. motivating myself to get out of bed in order to do homework or go spend time with my friends is half the battle because i am just so fucking tired after a week of bam bam bam doing something ALL DAY LONG. maybe im weak or something for thinking that but yeah there it is.

idk what a good way to phrase this is but ive been feeling so like, alive, lately but also not alive but also damn spending time with my friends feels so good (my interweb acquantainces are also great but ive never had a problem with them either so). its like wow maybe ive felt like shit all the damn time because my friends weren't all that great? like they're fine people but they just felt different than the friends i have now. i always felt like if it came down to it id give my life for them if it came down to it but in retrospect it seems like they really didn't care all that much about me? like ofc they cared about me but it was almost like i was just there because id been there long enough that they didn't mind my prescense too much even though they regretted befriending me in the beginning. i will say that i am thouroughly indebted to that girl in my science class who talked to me despite the fact that i was new to the school and had no friends and was like, very... i have no clue what to say but i looked not cool in anybody's idea of the word. because of her i actually have friends through this neat process of 1. meet person 2. meet their freinds. 3. rinse and repeat until you have a group of people you like and then once people stop wanting to hang out with you or vise versa then that just happens and no hard feelings (hopefully). this might sound like im a piece of shit but i swear im not, at least probably.

i'm still not a person any sane person would approach, but its mostly because i "look like a school shooter" (i fucking hate it when people say that like im sorry im uncomfortable as shit about the way i look so i wear this fucking scary dark hoodie all the damn time it is literally so annoying)(i similarily am frustrated when im told i look like i do drugs because you cant LOOK like you do something thats not how it works but the thing is that i would not shy away from pot so they're probably right)(I AM NOT A SCHOOL SHOOTER AND NEVER WILL BE) i still don't look cool but at least i don't look like im a dude attending a church service anymore.

back to that first all-caps line, im sleep deprived because somehow despite this school starting later in the day im getting less sleep. in regards to the ibuprofen and the pain, oh gosh do i have a story for ya.

picture this: it's your friends birthday (we're calling them fishnets here because they happened to be wearing fishnets today)!! :D they're going to a roller rink and it will be lotsa fun! they invite you and a group of other friends, you get to the skating rink, hope your small (read: not ice skated in like 3 years) amount of experience ice skating will help you here, and it does a little bit, once you get into the swing of things its just like riding a bike. one of fishnet's other friends (calling them ginger) makes a joking comment about how they want to make out with this one person rollerskating (they appear masculine and are wearing black jeans and a black hoodie and are like really fucking hot, their name will be R for the rest of this) because of how good at skating they are (they're really fucking good at skating ginger was totally right). you dont pick up on the "jokingly" part of this interaction and they are like super hot so you're like yeah they're so cool same. later, the person is getting a drink of water at a water fountain as you're standing around aimlessly trying to work yourself up to getting back in the rink and as theyre going back into the rink they make eye contact with you and smile at you and they pop up a peace sign and they look so friendly and nice and also oh my god please kiss me. you immediately spill to ginger and you drift apart on the rink and while youre taking a break ginger tells you that they've told R that one of their friends thinks R is hot and as a result also R knows your name. tihs is terrifying to you, of course. like ginger LITERALLY DOES NOT KNOW R BESTIE WHAT ARE YOU DOING. eventually ginger is talking to R and R was asking which friend was ginger talking about and ginger points behind them (TOWARD US, TOWARD ME, TOWARD YOU, HELP ME HELP HELP) you panic and hurriedly get off the rink which actually may have been a bad idea because if you hadn't you could've maybe talked to R but whatever it was the heat of the moment. when you're trying to get off the rink you eat shit on the (very pretty love the aesthetic) 80's neon carpet and land on your hands. pain. (like a lot of pain you sprained both your wrists and an elbow). after a sec you get up and go sit down.
before you leave tho ginger gets R's number (none of us seemed to have an ounce of higher brain function at this point but we're teenagers we're dumb as shit its expected) and now you've got their number which is kind of a good thing except for the part wher that means that you learn that R thought ginger was talking about fishnets, not you (sad), and also like R is 17 and you're 15 which is kind of a big gap for around then so like just let your hope die lmao whatever who cares we'll just be alone forever and cry. damn i just- i just wish i could look pretty so people even momentarily looked at you and thought "oh she's kind of pretty" and not "god he looks like a fucking nerd" akdsjflakhdfaljfdald.

i mean its not like i care or anything i just get sad sometimes

gender is such a pain in the ass sometimes gonna go cry later bye